Elves that Never Made a Storybook

Seeing as how it's getting closer to Christmas, I thought you might all enjoy this. I wrote it a few years back for my high school newspaper, but still think it's a gooder. Hope you enjoy.

Elves That Only Santa Knows About (Fortunately they no longer work for Santa in the toy shop)

Pyro Elf: He was fired after burning down the welding shop with a blow torch. Three elves were killed that night. They had to be identified by their elf shoes.

Hunter Elf: He was fired after he killed Rudolph’s brother. Some elves claim he was quoted as saying, “I’ll get you my pretty, you and your fake red nose too.” (I think he has seen “The Wizard of Oz” too many times.)

Revengeful Elf: He would always break the toys as soon as the other elves were done making them. He crossed the line when he started tearing the head off Rudolph plush toys. (It is still speculated that he was in cahoots with Hunter Elf, although adequate evidence has yet to be found.)

Sinister Elf: This elf was always trying to poison anyone he could with a “family recipe” of candy canes. (This is why there is only 7 reindeer instead of 8. Poor little Gimpy...he was so trusting.)

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It's kind of interesting how things happen sometimes. My grandma passed away on the 13th, and I keep regretting not calling her when I was going to. I kept thinking to myself the week before, that , 'hey I should call grandma, I haven't talked to her in along time, ,I wonder how she's doing'. But sadly I never got the chance.

What's my point you may ask? I guess never take your grandparents for granted, cause you never know when your gonna wake up one morning and their not going to be there anymore. So get up, give them a call, say hello, cause you never know when it will be that you will never hear their voice again, never hear another story about how they had to walk 5 miles through 5 feet of snow, through -50 weather, to get to school, never smell their cooking again; those smells that remind you of Christmas or any other time you went over there for only a few minutes and ended up staying for hours.

But I will leave you now,
Call your grandparents, let them know you love them because you can't hug a memory,
Goodnight

We love you grandma and we will miss you.

Death by Snails

Have you ever had one of those conversations with someone where you have no idea where it came from but it was funnay as hell at the same time?

Well here's just one of those. I was talking with a friend of mine over lunch today and we came up with one of the ultimately sucky ways to die, provided of course such a creature existed. We figured it would suck if you ever got attacked by snails with fangs that contained like really weak poison that moved as slowly through your system as they would move across you biting and stuff. I figured it might work with some cheesy James Bond hack in which the evil villan has a fanged-snail farm that he throws the would be Bond character in to suffer a slow and tedious death. But I suppose it would sort of take away from the exictment of the whole daring escape that usually follows just at that last second of possible escape. But I suppose that eventhough it would suck as some cheesy movie plot, it could ultimately become some terrible torture in hell for those who eat escargot and are then sent to the snail farms of tartarus to forever live their life under the ultimate irony of have their food eat them.

But I am going to sleep now to rest my crazy brain.
I bid you goodnight, and don't let the fanged snails bite.