10 weeks is enough

On November 6th, I woke up with pain in my upper back on the right side and have been sick ever since. Two weeks later, it also moved into the joints of my hands and elbows, and sometimes my knees and ankles, and seems to have found a home there ever since. Most of my back problems have been fixed through physio, but the pain seems to have shifted from the right side of my back to my shoulders and neck, which remain consistently tender. Some days the joint pain is so bad, I just want to curl up in the corner and cry, which I have; other days it is tolerable with some pain medication. I try to take it only when needed so I don't wreck my stomach in the process. The longer this goes on, my lungs seem to get a bit more sore and my cough persists as well (for which I have been given an inhaler so I don't choke and die...woo :p). So for the last two months, the list of things I can't do is seeming to grow slowly by the month. I can no longer lift 40lb milk crates (one of the duties of my job) as the pressure on my hands hurts to much, nor, on one of the worse days can I barely open a jar or bottle of pop without assistance.

By nature I pride myself on being very independent in many things I do and despise myself for not being able to do things anymore or for 3-4 out of 7 days a week. This knowledge, especially on the bad days, can severely affect my mood and leave me sullen and more quiet and reserved than normal. Of course everyone has days they are sad with no real reason, but mine seem to be getting more and more frequent. Even this makes me sad because I know it affects those close to me as well; even though they know it is not them causing my mood. Just makes them feel as if I don't want them around and am angry at them which is not the case as there are a few people, especially you Ian, who have been looking out for me, taking care of me, willing to do anything for me in hopes of making me feel better, and worrying about me far more than necessary. (Just to bad not everyone sees how sweet you have been, and are, to me).

Along with the fluctuations in pain affecting my mood, I am also finding it harder to deal with people that either:
a) look at me like they don't believe me,
b) think I'm just a whiner,
c) say, 'well my _____, you can't be as bad as me', or
d) just look at you like you're useless and can't do anything.

So I'm trying to do things to help me relax. I have enrolled in Aquasize, try to go out with friends, and say to myself 'it will get better'. Some days these things help, some days they don't and I find myself sitting in my bathtub, warm water showering on my neck and shoulders in an attempt to make them feel better, crying and trying to figure out where the pain comes from and why it won't go away. Today is sort of one of those days as I sit in the map library, making sure no one steals any maps, trying to disguise the few tears running down my cheek from the pain in my hands and for reasons I don't fully comprehend.

My doctor believes it may be Rheumatoid Arthritis, so three vials of blood and who know what others tests coupled with a visit to a Rheumatologist in the future, will hopefully tell whether her guess is right or it is something else autoimmune or possibly a simple infection curable by antibiotics. But in the meantime, I will try my best to smile through the pain, stay positive, and not spend to much time crying in the shower. :)